Akunjalo ngenkathi yonke. Ngokugcwele, kubonakala kakhulu kumuntu nasemlonyeni wabo. Uma umfana uvulekele ngakho konke emizwini yakhe, bavame ukusonga phambili ngokushesha. Uma umlonyeni wayo ukungena kanye nekuphuma, bavame ukusonga phambili ngokushesha kunokuba kwaba umlonyeni omude.
Kubalulekile kanjani ukuba umuntu ahlukane nesithandwa sakhe?
Amadoda ngokuvamile adlula endaweni yemizwa ethi “Ukukhathazeka kweDumpers” ngemva kokuthi owesifazane ayeke ngokugcwele. Lendawo iqala ukuba ngemva kwekwezi elilodwa kuya kwezinsuku ezingama-42, ngemva kokuba umuntu adlule endaweni yokuqala yemizwa emnandi ngemva kokuhlukanisa. Ukuqala lokho, ukubonisa izimpawu ezibonisa ukuthi uyazi ukuthi waphazamise konke.
Amadoda ayakuzwayo ukungaboni kahle ngokuhlukanisa?
Ukuhlola, okuqopha abantu abangu-5,705 ezingeni le-96, kwathola ukuthi abesifazane bangathola ukungaboni kahle ngokushesha ngemva kokuphela kwemlonyeni, kodwa amadoda ayakuzwayo ukungaboni kahle ngokuhlukanisa ngokwezikhathi. Abanikazi abaningi abesilisa babonakala bangasindisiwe ukungaboni kahle kwezinye izindlela, nangeminyaka eminingi emuva kwalokho.
Yiziphi izikhathi ezidingekayo ukuthi amadoda aphumelele ukusonga phambili ngemva kokuhlukanisa?
Ukwaziswa kubonisa ukuthi amadoda ayadinga isikhathi eside kunabesifazane futhi kubhekene nezinkinga zokusonga phambili. Nokho, abaqhubi bomcwaningi babheka ukuthi abanikazi abaningi abesilisa babebhekene ne-PRG (Ukungaboni kahle ngemva kwemlonyeni) ngesikhathi sokwaziswa noma babejikelezile ukungaboni kahle kakhulu kunonyaka ophelile.
Ingabe amadoda abuhlungu ngemva kokushiya?
Ngenxa yalokhu, amadoda adlulisela imizwa yabo ngaphezulu kunokuba abesifazane abayenze. Ungacabanga ukuthi ingabe amadoda abuhlungu ngemva kokushiya. Impendulo ithi yebo, kodwa bengagcini ukukhombisa lokho ngokuvula ngenxa yokungathandeki kokukhombisa ubuhlungu noma ukudabuka.
Ingabe Ukuphazamiseka Kuyabamba Amadoda Ngokwesekelayo?
Ingabe uyazi kanjani uma indoda igugile?
Uma ephumula ukukubona ngazo zonke izindlela nakuba kubalulekile, yilona phawu lokuthi igugile ngawe. Uyazi ukuthi uma ekubona, amakhumbuza azobuya ngokushesha, futhi kungaba kakhulu yena ukuhlala phansi. Futhi, uzama ukuvikela ukunga endaweni lapho ungacabanga ukuthi uzophuma khona.
Yini engumuntu oyisiwula kakhulu emuva kokuphazamiseka?
Ukuphazamiseka kukumangaza
Ukushaqeka kokuhlukanisa nomuntu owayecabanga ukuthi uzobe unaye kungabuhlungu kubanye amadoda. Ngemva kokumxelela ukuthi awukwazi ukuba ngumfazi wakhe, uzakwamukela ukuthi uzoshintsha umqondo, kunokuthi afune ukuthi yini okumele aqedwe ukuba abuhlungu ngemva kokuphazamiseka.
Kuthatha isikhathi esingakanani indoda ukuthi iqonde ukuthi iyakukukhumbula?
Ngakho, amaviki ambalwa kuya kuminyaka emibili yimpendulo yombuzo, “Kuthatha isikhathi esingakanani indoda ukuthi iqonde ukuthi iyakukukhumbula?” Ngokuvamile, amadoda aqonda lokho abakhokhile uma abafumana umfazi onobuntu babo. Ngaleso sikhathi, bafunda ukuthi hhayi zonke izintokazi zifanayo, futhi abengakwazi ukuphazamiseka emkhathini.
Ingabe amadoda awanandaba ngokuhlukaniswa?
Eqinile, amadoda ahlale amehlo awo egcwele umsizi ngemva kokuhlukaniswa. Futhi adinga isikhathi eside ukusuka emlindeni. Njengoba abantu abaningi abakhona bengakwazi ukukhombisa izinhliziyo zabo, babe ngokuvikela. Ukulahlekelwa umuntu wokuphila kwakho ngokuvamile yizizathu zokuthi amadoda aqhubeke ngokushesha.
Kuyamiswa isikhathi esingakanani ukuba umuntu wesilisa amukhele owesifazane?
Ukumiswa isikhathi esingakanani ukuba umuntu wesilisa amukhele? Ezinye izifundo zokucwaninga, isikhathi esithathwa ukumukha umuntu sitholakala kuma-11 amaviki. Ezinye izifundo, isikhathi esithathwa ukumukha umuntu sasiphezulu kakhulu ngo-18 wenyanga. Lezi zingxenye zokuphikisana zikhangela ngokucacile ukuthi isikhathi esithathwa ukumukha umuntu sizohluka ngokwezimo ezahlukahlukene.
Ingabe kungani ukuhlukaniswa kuyadlula amadoda emva kwesikhathi?
Ukuhlukaniswa ngokuvamile kuyagxuma umuntu wesilisa lapho bafisa ukulungisa iziphutha zabo, lapho umuntu wesilisa ethola ukuthi akakwazi ukubuyela emuva kwezinsuku ezinhle. Ngezinye izikhathi, kungathatha isikhathi eside ukuba konke lokhu kugxume umuntu.
Ingabe kungani kuyadingeka isikhathi eside ukuba amadoda abe nezinkinga ngokuhlukaniswa?
“Amadoda ahlale amehlo kunabantu abanye,” kusho uDkt. Gary Brown, umeluleki wemishado nomndeni oqashelwe eLos Angeles. “Ukukhulu kwesithukuthezi sokulahlekelwa, ukuthi lutho olukhulu esikhathini sokuphumelela.” Ngokwemvelo, umphakathi uhlinzeka abesifazane ukuba bakhulume ngemfanelo yabo nabanye, ngenkathi amadoda ahlale amehlo ukuba aphumelele.
Kungani abafana bacrazyela emva kokuhlukanisa?
Bayesaba ukuthi babezwe ngokuthi bawo woqobo noma besho. Ngenkathi akukho indlela yokukhipha lezi zindaba, akuyona into engavamile ukuthi kuzuzwe ukuziphatha okubi emva kokuhlukanisa. Ukuphuza okungenzeka, ukutshaya, kanye neminye imikhuba yezwa lokukhathazeka ngokuvamile yileyo bafana abahlukunyezwe abayigijima kuyo.
Yini izigaba abafana abayodlula ngazo emva kokuhlukanisa?
Noma ngabe nguwe owabika ukuthi kufanele niyeke, kukhona izigaba ezinhlanu zokuguga okuzokwenza udlule kuzo. Ziyi-denial, ukuhlasela, ukuhweba, ukudideka nokwamukela, ngokusho kweMental-Health-Matters. Lezi zindlela zokwelapha izinhliziyo zenu.
Ingabe abafana bahlukunyezwa?
Abafana bayodlula ngokuhlukunyezeka, ngisho noma bengakusho lokho kuwe. Ngokuhlomula kwami kwezizwelo, ngigugile ngokugcwele. Ngigugile ngenkathi ngifuna uthando, futhi ngakufanele ngilungiselele inhliziyo eyaboshwa yokuziphatha okubi nokungalutholakalanga okuthinta umuntu.
Ingabe abafana bakhohlwa abakhwelayo kalula?
Ngoba ngokusho kwesifundo esiqalwe ngo-2000, futhi sibukele isimo sezizwelo zabantu abayishumi abayizinkulungwane abahlukaniswe kabili ngaphambi kokubuyela kubo phakathi kweminyaka engu-6 no-9 emva kwalokho, abafana abakwazi ukudlula ngokugcwele emva kwezimbangela zabo ezidlule.
Yini eyenza umfana ukukukhumbula khulu?
Qaphela ukuba nomusa futhi gcina isikhala sezizathu phakathi kwenu nina lapho nihlangana khona. Mvumela ukuthi abe nendawo yakhe kodwa yazi ukuthi umkhumbule kakhulu ngesikhathi esithile. Khumbuza ngokujabula okwenzayo phambi kodwa hhayi manje. Xhumana esikhundleni sokumenza umoya omubi, ukuze uthumele umlayezo.